Ceo Face of Arise Africa, Mr Ikechukwu Anyanwu anchored a wonderful edition of HeartTalk which had Hon Chief Engr Ikpaemezie Innocent as Guest Speaker
Here is excerpts of the Seminar… Have a great day!
Dealing With Relationship/Marriage Crisis
ByHON CHIEF ENGR. IKPAMEZIE INNOCENT, MNSE, KSJI
According to Barnett R. Brickner, success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right partner, but through being the right partner.
Usually, when we see an old couple holding hands or sharing some romantic adventures, warm feelings of love and happiness begin to spark in our heart. We begin to think about how they maintained their marriage relationship for so many years when young couples we know have troubles making their own marriages work.
Of course, some people are not made for each other and so their marriage just simply doesn\’t work. But then there are couples who give up the moment an obstacle comes along, which shows to some extent that their marriage wasn\’t truly important to them in the first place.
What everyone has to understand in order to preserve a strong, happy, and blissful marriage is that love is colorful, and the same kind of love doesn\’t function for everyone.
Building a successful and blissful marriage that will continue to thrive requires some fundamental secrets which I refer to as keys to a successful marriage.
These essential keys that form the bedrock of a happy home ought to exist between two partners (married lovers) who want to avoid marital crisis and make their marriage successful
The keys To A Successful Marriage
Love, Affection and Commitment
Trust and Honesty
Communication
Respect and Appreciation
Intimacy (Spending Time Together)
Absolute Transparency (All-round Faithfulness)
The Magic of Small Things
Humility, Patience and Forgiveness
Selflessness
Emotional Support
Humour
Celebrate Achievements/Success
Love, Affection and Commitment
In a nutshell, love is a decision to be committed to another person. It is far more than an ordinary emotion as portrayed on television and romance novels. Feelings come and go, but a true decision to be committed lasts foreverand that is what defines healthy and successful marriages.
Marriage, on the other hand, is a decision to be committed in another persons life through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. When things are going well, commitment is easy. But true love is displayed by remaining committed even through the trials of life..
Love is life and is also one of the greatest gifts of life. It brings people together and allows them to build a life that some can only dream of
But sometimes love is not enough to maintain a happy, blissful and healthy marriage. That\’s because marriage relationships are not easy, people are so different from one another, and relationships take much effort and patience.
But in the end, if you don\’t have love in a marriage relationship, you really don\’t have anything. Take the time to show your spouse some affection. The kisses, hugs, and even sex are things that in the end help to make a marriage healthy. But without love, all of that means nothing..
Trust and Honesty
Trust and honesty are the vital for everything in a successful marriage. This is because you don\’t want to think twice about what your partner says or does.
But unlike most of the other essential keys to a successful marriage, trust takes time. You can become selfless, committed, or patient in a moment, but trust always takes time to build.
Trust is only built after weeks, months, and years of being who you say you are and doing what you say youll do.
If you need to rebuild trust in your marriage, you will need to work even harder.
A marriage cannot continue without trust and honesty. As long as you are honest with your spouse, they have no reason to doubt you or not trust you, and almost anything can be acceptable to him/her in the marriage.
Being marred does not mean everything else in your life has to change. You can still see your friends, go out, and be your own person, but be honest with your spouse with whatever you do behind them.
Communication
Healthy marriage partners communicate as much as possible. They certainly discuss everything e.g. childrens schedules, grocery lists, utility bills, hopes, dreams, fears, anxieties, etc.
They dont just discuss the changes that are taking place in the childrens life, they also discuss the changes that are taking place in their own hearts and souls.
However, communication in marriage must be effective, otherwise there will be some communication gaps between you and your spouse, and invariably your spouse will be left to fill those gaps with whatever they wish.
Dont assume, dont presume. For example, if something is bothering you or what your partner wants to do is not what you\’re interested in, say something! Neither you nor your spouse are mind readers, so how are they supposed to know how you feel if you keep your feelings bottled up inside?
Dont be afraid to speak your mind and embrace your thoughts. Not speaking up and communicating your ideas, feelings, desires, and wants is unhealthy because one day you might blow up and say some things you\’ll either regret or feel sorry for saying.
Effective communication provides a middle ground in your marriage because it\’s unfair for one person to constantly accommodate the other.
Respect and Appreciation
Without respect and appreciation, there is no love. How can you disrespect the one you love and care for?
Respect is the foundation of a healthy and successful marriage. Respect your spouse by choosing your words carefully. Do not use harsh words or do anything that will threaten the safety of your spouse.
Dont be bossy, proud or arrogant to your spouse. Men are hereby advised not to batter (beat) their wives.
Appreciate your partner for who they are, the little things they do for you, the support they give you, and the growth that they contribute in building your own identity. Always be proud of your spouse. Look at him/her and profess your love day by day.
Dont wear long face, dont nag or complain unnecessarily. Remember, no one likes nagging and nagging destroys marriages.
Be willing to compromise, show consideration, and protect your spouse in whatever circumstances.
Act honorably, setting and upholding boundaries, being a man or woman of your word, and showing respect for yourself.
Intimacy
Marriages dont work without intimacy and intimacy is bred on the platform of time investment. Any successful marriage requires that couples should spend intentional, quality time together.
Quality time rarely happens when quantity time is absent.
The marriage relationship with your spouse should be the most intimate and deep relationship you have. Therefore, it is going to require more time than any other relationship
Set aside time each day for your spouse. And a date-night once in a while wouldnt hurt either. Make your spouse your best friend. Be free with him/her.
Some individuals find it difficult to do things together with their spouse. This is a big anomaly. For example, eating together, bathing together or prying together with your spouse can make a whole lot of difference in terms of your intimacy.
Also, ensuring that you dont starve your spouse of sexual needs is of utmost importance
Absolute Transparency (All-round Faithfulness
Absolute transparency includes being open and not hiding hiding things from your spouse. Remember, nothing is personal in marriage. You ought share everything with your spouse including your passwords, money, etc.
However, absolute transparency also includes sexual faithfulness, not just with our bodies but also with our eyes, mind, heart, soul, and money. Some people spend more money on their concubines than on their own spouses. This is absolutely unacceptable.
When we devote our minds to sexual fantasies about another person, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse. When we offer moments of emotional intimacies to another, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse. This is very risky!
Guard your sexuality daily and devote it entirely to your spouse. Sexual faithfulness requires self-discipline and an awareness of the consequences.
Refuse to dress erotically for third parties, instead do so for your own spouse especially when going to bed. It is not a sin if you seduce your on spouse!
The Magic of Small Things
The small things in life are actually not that small. There are times where the smallest deed can make someone the happiest and that\’s usually because the small things are the most thoughtful ones. Always rise up to your responsibilities, and even beyond. Dont be cunning.
Preparing breakfast when your partner is too tired (or sick) or surprising them by doing one piece of chores or the other wouldnt be out of place
Men, do you help to plait your wifes hair? Do you clean her shoes? Do you wash her clothes? Doing these things for your wife occasionally will make a whole lot of difference in building your marriage.
Also, buying little gifts for your spouse on your way home from work can be enough to make their day. The small things really do count and they are remembered more than you might think.
There\’s something magical in knowing that your partner feels appreciated and happy that they have the privilege of calling you mine. And the small things can do just that.
Humility, Patience and Forgiveness
No body is perfect and no marriage is perfect either. That\’s because none of us are perfect. People make mistakes in everyday life in the same way that people make mistakes in their marriages. So there must be room for patience and forgiveness whenever your spouse offends you.
Of course, there are some things that seem unforgivable, such as cheating on your partner, because it means that the marriage didn\’t mean much to the offender anyway. But, most offences can be forgiven
Forgiveness is extremely important and necessary in a marriage because we have to accept and be reminded that we are not perfect.
Sometimes all it takes is a simple I\’m sorry and I forgive you.
Humility, patience and forgiveness will always be required for a marriage to be successful. Couples should learn to show unending patience and forgiveness to their partner. They humbly admit their own faults and do not bring up past offences in an effort to hold their partner hostage.
Selflessness
Surveys show that more marriages are broken up by selfishness than any other reason. This can be blamed on finances, lack of commitment, infidelity, or incompatibility.
However, the root cause for most of these reasons is selfishness. A selfish person is committed only to himself or herself., shows little patience, and never learns how to be a successful spouse.
Ensure you give your hopes, dreams, and life to your partner and begin to live life together. Marriage is love in action, not love at heart.
This is a simple call to value our marriages, treat them with great care, and invest in them daily.
Always note that a successful and healthy marriage is more valuable than most of the temporal things we chase after with our lives.
Emotional Support
Some women are of the view that real men don\’t cry. By so thinking, they ignore the emotional needs of their husbands. This is a wrong ideology. The bitter truth is that strong and courageous men also shed tears or cry when something bad happens to them or simply out of pure happiness.
We all have emotions and though we try to put them under control, those emotions sometimes boil over.
In marriages, it\’s important to show emotional support for your partner, regardless if they are a strong man or a strong woman. So when your partner is going through a tough time or is struggling for whatever the reason might be, show some concern, share in their pains and be their shoulder to lean on.
If your partner knows that you\’re emotionally there for them, they might have an easier time opening up to you in the future.
Humour
Sharing laughs and smiles with the one you love is extremely important. After all, being in a marriage is sharing your life with someone you care for, cherish, and have fun with.
Being able to joke around and laugh with one another is extremely healthy for your marriage to be successful and free of worries.
It\’s not just about fun and games, but it\’s also no fun to be so serious and strict about everything.
Keep your relationship alive with some humor, adventure, and daily laughs to see the smile of your loved one!
Celebrate Achievements
The happiness you feel because of your own achievements should be the same feeling you get when your spouse accomplishes something they\’ve been striving for, no matter how little it may be.
Whether it be winning the Noble Prize, academic success, or hitting a new record in their career, no achievement should go unnoticed.
Being proud of your partner\’s achievements can strengthen your marriage and bring the both of you closer together.
Common Sources of Crisis in Marriage
Money problems
Issues bothering on finances, if not properly discussed and handled by couple, may lead to crisis in marriage. Openness is very critical here. Each partner ought to know how much the other earns especially salary and wage earners. Operating individual or joint bank account by couples is something that must be discussed, agreed and followed depending on what is convenient to them.
Issues with Children
The advent of children brings another potential source of marriage problems. This is because taking care of children requires more responsibility as well as a change in roles. It also reduces the amount of time available to spend together as a couple. Additionally, the couple may find themselves fighting over whos taking care of which household and social responsibilities
Poor Communication
Poor or ineffective communication is another source of marriage problems. that belies damaging attitudes within the relationship or marital union. Couples should understand how to chose the right words for their partner as occasion demands. For a healthy communication to create and sustain intimacy in marriage, every matter to be discussed demands the right time and tone, else crisis is inevitable.
Bad Habits
Habits like nagging, verbal abuses, lying, infidelity etc can lead to crisis in marriage Sometimes couples experience marriage problems that could be solved if the two could notice their habits and change them. People don\’t always make a conscious decision to argue over petty things, nag and be critical, or leave messes for the other to clean, for example
Daily Stress
Daily stressors dont need to equal marriage problems, but they can exacerbate problems that already exist. When one partner has had a stressful day, they may be more likely to be impatient when they get home. They may handle conflict less expertly, and may have less emotional energy to devote to nurturing their partner and their relationship. Stressful or difficult day can test patience and optimism, leaving couples with less to give to one another emotionally.
QUOTABLE QUOTES BY OCHOLI OKUTEPA
\”The problem is not that \”you are not meant for each other\” It is that you don\’t know how to handle even who is \”meant\” for you. It is really a \”what\” and not a \”who\” problem.\”
\”Some of us need to listen more. We either talk too much or have been distracted to pay attention to and know what our partner wants from us. This has caused a major gal in how we handle then and the frustration bus killing the relationship\”
\”Some of us are unfortunately illiterate on love matters and arrogant about it. We feel we know and hardly listen to anyone or anything on the subject. We need to humble ourselves and begin to seek books, seminars and teachings that educate us\”
Lessons For Life!
Do not become afraid because you have heard many bad things about marriage.
Many marriages are working and a lot of couple are happy, fulfilled and secure in what they have. You will be one of such great examples in Jesus Name. Just remain focused on God who authors our lives and godly wisdom by which you are shaped
In Conclusion
Every marriage struggles, but only strong marriages get through it and keep flourishing. Take the time to focus on the things that are important and paramount in keeping the love alive and feelings between you and your partner strong. And most importantly, remember that no one falls in love by choice; it\’s by chance, and no one falls out of love by chance – it\’s by choice.
May God help our understanding!